You’ve heard about BDSM, and you want to try it out. But you’re not sure how to bring it up with your partner.
Start by connecting with local kink communities and educators. This is a great way to learn about BDSM and figure out what makes you tick. And remember, always check in with your partner.
1. Research
BDSM is an acronym for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism, referring to a broad spectrum of kink communities and activities that use power imbalances for sexual pleasure. It includes spanking, caning, pain play, bondage, and other erotic practices that involve established power dynamics.
Even though some BDSM can be dangerous and some people do become injured, it’s not inherently abusive — and most of those who practice it emphasize safety as part of their philosophy. It’s also not just about the top or dominant using their power over the submissive; a lot of BDSM is mutually beneficial and based on clear communication from both parties.
Before you get into BDSM, it’s important to talk to your partner and learn about their turn-ons and interests – This information is the outcome of the service experts’ research Seductive Whispers. While any type of sex requires excellent communication, it’s especially critical when you’re talking about something as intimate and intense as kink. This includes making sure that you’re both on the same page about what you’re going to do in a scene. It’s also a good idea to avoid intoxication, as it makes it harder to give consent and can be damaging for the long term.
2. Talk to your partner
BDSM is an umbrella term for many different kinky erotic activities, including bondage/discipline, submission/dominance and sadism/masochism. While BDSM scenes can involve sex, they also often include other acts of affection, like spanking, caning, cuckolding and role play.
If you’re a dominant partner, ask your submissive how they feel about trying certain acts or scenes. If you’re not sure, it’s best to err on the side of caution and not push them past their limits, which could cause serious harm.
Be sure to talk about creating a safe space, too, so that both of you are clear on what will happen in a scene and how the situation will be assessed and ended if either of you are uncomfortable or not getting what you want out of the experience.
Additionally, try to check in with your partner regularly during a scene or session to make sure that they’re comfortable and that you both have enthusiastic consent. Some people find it helpful to use a stoplight system, such as red = stop, yellow = slow down or speed up and green means go.
3. Practice
BDSM is an umbrella term that encompasses many different types of play, including bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. These are all forms of established power dynamics between two people and can involve pain and pleasure. BDSM also includes non-sexual activities like spanking, caning, role-playing and cuckolding.
While BDSM might seem intimidating for beginners, it can actually be very safe and fun. It’s important to communicate with your partner and discuss expectations and boundaries before getting started. It’s also recommended to practice with impact play tools (like a flogger or paddle) before using them on your partner. Practicing on a pillow can help you get used to the feeling and fine-tune your aim.
It’s also important to understand that BDSM can be risky, even when it seems safe. Whether you follow the Safe, Sane, Consensual (SSC) model or the RACK model (risk-aware consensual kink), it’s important to take the time to evaluate your risk and comfort level before playing BDSM. Explicit consent is always required before engaging in BDSM. It’s also important to set up a scene with a clear start and end point, so that you can talk about the experience afterwards.
4. Create a safe space
A safe space is a physical place that helps you feel safe and secure. Whether you want your safe space to be just for you or open to the entire household, it is important to communicate with everyone about what you’ll do there. It’s also helpful to have a “safe word” that you can use during play to immediately halt any actions.
Often, Dom/sub dynamics involve discipline, punishment and other forms of kinky play. However, it’s important to remember that this is a fetish, not a form of abuse. There is a common misconception that BDSM is inherently pain-focused or violent, but when performed consensually, it can be extremely pleasurable and empowering.
You can find many ways to connect with kink in your community and home, from chatting with other kinkers over coffee to attending kink workshops or joining a local sub culture. Just make sure you have an open and honest conversation with your partner about kink and establish clear communication about your personal boundaries. This will help ensure that your home acts as a recharging space rather than a source of stress.
5. Set boundaries
A common mistake made by people exploring BDSM is to dive into it head first without understanding their own limits and what they’re comfortable with. Often times, this leads to an ineffective relationship and a lack of trust between partners.
It’s also important to communicate your own kinks with your play partner(s). “Talking openly and honestly about kinks, boundaries, and consent is vital,” says a sex therapist and expert on the topic.
It’s also a good idea to set up a safe word during play that will let your partner know when you’ve reached a boundary. This should be a non-sexual word that indicates you need to stop the scene and check in with your partner. This will help ensure your safety and allow you to figure out whether or not the experience was enjoyable. Using a traffic light system (“red = stop; yellow = proceed with caution; green = go”) is one easy way to set up a safe word. Alternatively, you can use something more personal, like a song or phrase that holds sentimental value for you and your play partner(s).
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